


and yes, you’re in my head, but that doesn’t make you here

by CKGrillie



Category: CallMeKevin - Fandom, CallMeKevin-youtuber
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Best Friends, Call me kevin, CallMeKevin - Freeform, Disney Movies, Dreams and Nightmares, Embarrassment, Gen, Grocery Shopping, Loneliness, Pizza, YouTube, Youtuber - Freeform, i can't tag or it'll spoil it ya know, i mean it's not that subtle but still, ok it’s not rly the reader i just didn’t know how to tag it alright, this is a crazy idea i got
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-17 16:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17563709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CKGrillie/pseuds/CKGrillie
Summary: “How has your day been?” he asked her, and she smiled in response.“You know I don’t do much with my days, Kevin. I just wait for you to finish talking to yourself,” she said with a cheeky smirk. Kevin’s own smile faded for a moment, but returned a split second later without an ounce of the bright light missing.(not much info but i don't wanna spoil it ok, just try it)





	1. cleaning and pizza

**Author's Note:**

> this one's gonna be pretty long. Hope you like it! im tryin to be all like, ooh ending's a secret surprise, but it's probs rly obvious, shush ok i tried. here's kevin, portrayed however i want him to suffer in my fics!
> 
> title is from the song "cars and telephones" by arcade fire

“But yeah hope you enjoyed, I appreciate you as always folks, and I guess I will see you next time. Bye for now!” With his classic ending line, Kevin finished recording his video for the day and spun around in his chair. He was eager to take a break from recording and go about the rest of the day in peace. Today he had made good time too; since it was only four in the afternoon he had just enough time to hang around for a bit and then head out to dinner. As much as Kevin loved playing games, sometimes there was only so much someone could take from glitchy PS2 game rejects. The worst of the worst were hilarious, but also deathly frustrating, and Kevin knew that better than anyone. 

 

* * *

 

“Can I talk now? You’ve turned off the mic?” a soft voice asked from the doorway. Kevin grinned and turned his head to the door. 

 

“Sure have! Come on in.”

 

Small steps sounded on the carpet as a girl with relatively plain features walked over to Kevin. To the common eye, she might not seem like anything special, but to Kevin, she was his whole world. There was no one in the universe Kevin ever wanted to talk to more than her. She made his bad days not as bad and his good days ten times better. In short, this one girl, his best of all friends, was everything to him. 

 

“How has your day been?” he asked her, and she smiled in response. 

 

“You know I don’t do much with my days, Kevin. I just wait for you to finish talking to yourself,” she said with a cheeky smirk. Kevin’s own smile faded for a moment, but returned a split second later without an ounce of the bright light missing. 

 

His friend continued on without pause, “Do you wanna go out to dinner again? We haven’t been out in ages and I’m feeling ready to explode! How about pizza?” 

 

“That’s exactly what I was thinking! It’s just about the right time too. Let me finish up some house chores first and then we can head out. I swear I’ve been in this room all day and the trash is really piling up.” 

 

Without another word, Kevin hopped out of his chair and headed out to the rest of the house. 

 

* * *

 

Finally done with all the sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, and general pick-up of junk around the place, Kevin glanced up at the clock. It was 5:20, and almost time to go out for dinner. He shouted over his shoulder, “I’m going to go toss the trash outside in the bin and then we can go!” as he shouldered open the back door. As he stepped out onto the ground, he shivered a bit and thought to himself,  _ Hm, maybe I should have put on shoes...nah oh well, already almost there.  _ “Yo, it’s freezing out here too, make sure to bring a jacket or something tonight!” he yelled through the open door. 

 

He turned back to the bin, and froze. Across the street, his nosey middle-aged neighbor was staring directly at him. She had clearly heard every word he had spoken, but showed no shame in her obvious eavesdropping. Her slightly wrinkled face under her blond bob showed a strangely sympathetic smile. Kevin’s face reddened, but he gave a little wave to her, which she didn’t return. Again, the pitying look remained firmly in place, and he turned quickly to walk back inside. The door slammed shut behind him in his haste, but he didn’t notice in his quick stride. 

 

“What’s wrong?” asked his friend as he breezed into the living room. She had been pulling on a coat and had stopped midway at his expression. 

 

He gave a small grimace, yet replied, “Nothing,” and walked into the kitchen to rinse off his hands. “We should get going now before the pizza place starts filling up. We don’t want it to be too crowded!” Luckily, she let it go and they both walked out to the car. 

 

The lady across the street tried to mind her own business for once, but unknown to Kevin, as he walked out the front door she eyed him through the window with compassion.  _ That poor poor child,  _ she thought, and after a minute went back to her chores.

 

* * *

 

“This was a great choice!” Kevin exclaimed as he took another huge bite of the gooey pizza. The pizza place they had chosen had undoubtedly the best toppings, cheese, sauce, and overall taste in the whole city. Generally, pizza in Ireland sucked, but this one restaurant the two had found actually knew what they were doing. He had been able to throw out quite a few pizza puns too, that had had his friend laughing and almost sliding out of her seat in hysterics. 

 

Kevin continued to dig in with relish as his friend sat there, amused with his enthusiasm and actions. She smiled, resting her head on top of her hands, and said, “See? This is why we should go out more often. You know you’re allowed to take a break from recording right?” 

 

“Yeah I know, but I do enjoy that too. Anyways, since we don’t go out as often it makes the times we do even more special!” As he said this he stooped out of chair slightly and reached out to ruffle her hair, but she leaned out of his way giggling. 

 

Sitting back down in his seat normally, he casually glanced around the restaurant just in time to see a few other couples in the restaurant quickly turn their heads away from him. They had obviously been looking at him for quite some time but were politely pretending they hadn’t been. Face flaming, Kevin looked back at the table and shrunk his shoulders down. 

 

At another table close to them, a small girl aged at around six loudly whispered to her mother, starting out with “Why is that man over there t-”, before her mother shushed her with a harsh look. At this point, Kevin’s hands were shaking slightly and his face was even hotter than before. He stared down at the table harder and resisted looking back up at the other people eating. 

 

His friend looked at him in concern, and when he didn’t say anything she spoke softly to him. 

 

“Ignore them, Kevin. You’re just fine. What else do you wanna talk about?” 

 

He looked up at her but minutely shook his head yet didn’t say anything in response. He continued eating in silence while she tried a few times to get him to open up again, but he didn’t feel like talking anymore. The night had been ruined. 

 

Eventually, he finished his meal, and paying the check as fast as he could, he walked out of the restaurant and back to his car. 

 

The moment he stepped out the door, a collective internal sigh of relief was given almost audibly from the rest of the customers. 


	2. movies, groceries, and realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin sprinted down the almost entirely empty grocery store, pushing a cart in front of him before jumping onto the back rim to ride it down the aisle. The absolute best part of shopping, he thought, zooming down the aisle, is screwing with the carts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bang. here

When they arrived home, Kevin walked straight to the bathroom to splash some water on his face.  _ Get it together, Kevin. It’s fine. You don’t like pizza that much anyways, and you don’t even need to go back there.  _

 

From behind him, he felt the presence of his friend there again with him, but he still jumped when she spoke. “Do you wanna watch a movie? Wind down a bit before bed?” 

 

He gave a shaky exhale and turned to nod at her before turning off the sink. Movie nights were always fun times with the two of them. With shitty microwave popcorn and some of the ice cream Kevin always seemed to keep stocked in his freezer, it was a comfortable place for him to relax and release tension. 

 

A deep breath later, and he left the bathroom to go chuck some popcorn in the microwave. They could watch some Disney tonight. 

 

* * *

 

She watched Kevin, who had fallen asleep in the middle of  _ Ratatouille  _ with popcorn scattered over his lap, with a small smile. He looked so peaceful when he was asleep, when all the worry lines and creases in his face smoothed out into soft planes of clear skin. A high blush on his cheeks as always, his hair tousled and messed, he was the picture of comfort at that moment. 

 

Sometimes she wished she could be somewhere with just him, alone, without the influence or judgement of other people. Then they could be friends anywhere they wanted to be. She sighed and turned back to face the screen. Some dreams just weren’t possible. 

 

* * *

 

Kevin gasped as he sat up on the couch, body and limbs still tired from sleep. “Hey, where are you?” he gasped out, and his friend rushed over from another room. His breathing frantic and panicked, his eyes searched the room in a desperate attempt to locate his friend. 

 

“Kevin, Kevin, it’s okay I’m here, hey Kevin look at me, it’s okay I haven’t gone anywhere,” she whispered to him as he calmed down from the dream he’d been having. She grasped his pale, clammy hand as his breathing slowed. It happened sometimes, and she was used to it, but it worried her every time it happened. Of course she wasn’t going anywhere but by his side unless he wanted her to leave, so she had no clue where the irrational fear came from. All the same, the reoccurring dream of her leaving was a consistent part of their mornings. 

 

When his breathing was back to normal, Kevin gave a small huff and started to twirl his thumbs around in her palm. “Sorry for freaking out again,” he said to her, but she shook off the apology with ease, expressing with a look that he didn’t need to apologize. She gave him an encouraging look, to maybe have him open up a bit more, but to her look he responded by waggling his eyebrows at her. “Never ask a dude about his dreams,” he said, and she shoved him over before he even finished talking. 

 

“Shut it, Kevin,” she laughed, “Always with the dirty mind.” He let out a laugh too, and continued to talk. 

 

“Though if you really want I  _ can  _ explain some of the hot  _ hot  _ details. I think there was something with a blonde and a box of-”

 

“ _ Okay,  _ I get it, I get it, just please stop!” He stared at her with a badly faked hurt expression, before losing it and letting out a snort.

 

“Fine fine, I’ll keep the details for myself. Oh hey also I guess I fell asleep during the movie? Why didn’t you wake me up?” he whined a bit, as if he hadn’t already seen that exact movie a hundred times. 

 

“You looked like you needed the beauty sleep, dude.” she said, and smirked at him. “The years of hard work playing video games are really taking a toll on you.” 

 

At this, he suddenly lept up and tackled her down to the floor, while she shrieked and struggled. “Take that back! My rugged handsome good looks are all I feckin’ have going for me!” 

 

“I would never lie to you like that! I stand by my truth-” she cut off suddenly as he began to tickle her. “No w-wait, hahahaha, mercy, mercy! I take it back! Uncle, I say! Hahaha, K-Kevin stop!” Her words came out shaky and all over the place as she fought to get away from his hands, laughing so hard her stomach felt like bursting. Finally he let up and let her crawl away without her dignity. 

 

“Oh how quickly you changed your mind!” he laughed, and she smiled openly at him despite her current attempt to be pout. 

 

“Whatever, I don’t want to hear it,” she said, and with an exaggerated turn she walked out of the room. “Oh, start getting ready too. We really need to make a trip to the grocery store.” 

 

She glanced at him before she walked out of view to see him start picking up some spilled popcorn, smile still on his face and happiness in his posture.  _ There’s the Kevin I know _ , she thought.  _ That’s better _ . 

 

* * *

 

Kevin sprinted down the almost entirely empty grocery store, pushing a cart in front of him before jumping onto the back rim to ride it down the aisle.  _ The absolute best part of shopping _ , he thought, zooming down the aisle, _ is screwing with the carts _ . 

 

“Kevin, stop that,” his friend laughed. “You look like an idiot. We have work to do here.” 

 

Kevin let out a small laugh too, but complied and stopped the cart. “Alright alright Miss Bossy, what do we need?”

 

“Just the usual. Whatever you wanna eat for the week. But try to get some healthy stuff too besides just the normal junk.” 

 

“Yeah, yeah, alright, I’ll start grabbing some stuff.” He walked down towards the correct aisles for whatever food looked good for him and was relatively easy to put together. Pasta, milk, meat, bread, packed salad, fruit, and bagels all made it in the cart before, with a sneaky glance around him, he started heading to the junk food aisle for some crisps. He was a gamer, alright? Gamers needed  _ real  _ snacks. 

 

“Kevin I can literally see you heading to the junk food. I’m not blind, you know.”

 

“Feck. I’m sorryyyy,” he whined over his shoulder, entirely busted, “I need snacks though, it’s practically part of the job description.” 

 

“You’re gonna get fat, dude. Don’t come complaining to me when you start getting pudgy.”

 

“That was very rude, but I’m ignoring you for now in favor of getting these  _ delicious  _ treats. Though I  _ will  _ get you back later.”

 

He started reaching for some tasty looking bags, still trading snarky comments with his friend,  when he noticed that the aisle wasn’t as empty as the rest of the store seemed to be. Two kids, boys, both who looked similar and were probably related, seemed to have had a similar idea as Kevin. They were each holding giant armfulls of snack items. They looked up at him with slight guilt on their features, probably going against their mothers wishes or something.  _ Very similar to my situation _ , Kevin thought, and gave them a polite smile.  

 

One of the boys seemed to analyze Kevin for a threat, in which time Kevin stood there and thought about how awkward this interaction was, but the kid quickly dismissed him as just being a normal guy. Kevin moved to continue on with his business, and as he did so the boys looked behind him to see who else was there with him. Confusion filled both of their faces, and almost comically their eyes widened as they looked back over to Kevin. Both turned, snacks forgotten, to walk quickly in the other direction towards where Kevin could make out a lady at the other end of the long aisle. For a few seconds, he continued blankly staring at the vibrant bags and boxes of junk food, trying not to pay attention to the hushed frantic whispering from the kids to their mother as they reached her. His eyes watered as he felt the stare from the three of them from the distance, and turned to face the opposite direction. 

 

“Kevin, we should...we should hurry up a bit...” his friend said from his side, and he didn’t turn towards her, but she could see his expression twist from a blank to hurt expression. 

 

“Yeah...yeah. Yeah, let’s go.” He mumbled out the words and started pushing his cart towards the self-check out. The less people he had to interact with the better. 

 

Reaching the self-check out, he could still see the family and he frantically started scanning his groceries to get out of there as soon as possible.  _ Why can’t they just look away? Why are they still looking at me? What do they want from me?! _

 

Done in record time, face flushed and sweat on his brow, he threw everything in a couple of bags and headed out of the store. He could still feel their eyes on him as he walked out of the doors. He could still hear the whispers. Wiping his eyes on his sleeve, he got in his car and started to drive home.

 

One of the boys turned to his mother again, a bit afraid but still curious and asking about the strange man they had seen. He contemplated what she had quickly told him about how some people can act, and why he should stay away from them, yet there was one thing she hadn’t clarified. “But, I just don’t understand  _ why  _ he would talk to himself in the first place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you like?


	3. that's how it is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look Kevin, it doesn’t matter what others think. We can just go out less. It can be like it always has -”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ta-da, final chapter! longest fic i've ever written. thanks to all the none of you reading this, i love ya :*

Kevin walked in the door, and without a word turned towards his room. He threw the bags of groceries in a direction towards the kitchen as he went and ducked out of the way of his friend when she tried to touch him. “Kevin, let’s talk about this, okay? Let’s talk for a bit and calm down some.”

 

“Calm down?! Don’t tell me to calm down. Just, go away, okay? I need to record a video. I have stuff to do for my  _ job,  _ alright?” He stormed into his room and slammed the door behind him. Outside of it, his friend reached for the knob, but thinking better of it she sighed and walked away. Maybe they could talk later. Maybe not. Either way, she’d stay. For him.

 

* * *

 

“Hey there friends, how’s it going, my name is Kevin, and today...no, that sounds terrible. Hey there...no. Ugh!” In frustration, Kevin nearly hit his fist on the table but restrained himself. He was feeling like a mess at the moment, and the last few days of stress had really been taking a toll on him. There was no way he could make a video in this state. Even if he could manage to get through the intro, the rest of the video was sure to be an unfunny and off-sounding disaster.

 

“At least I have some backup videos,” he mumbled, and got to work uploading and announcing the “new” video he had made some weeks ago.  He spun around aimlessly in his chair until he got the notification it had been successfully uploaded, and turned back to watch the cool kid notification squad instantly comment on the video. He smiled at their jokes and compliments, and gave a small sigh. His audience was so kind and creative.  _ If...if only people would tell me things like that in real life _ . 

 

His mood plummeted further as he thought about his friend, and about the recent experiences in public. Those weren’t the first times he had humiliated himself in public, but he hoped they would be the last. What if one day it was in front of a fan? What if the online community found out about his...friend? As he thought this, he heard a small voice at the door ask, “Kevin, can you come out please? I know you aren’t recording. Can we talk?” Anger suddenly filled him as his jumped up from his chair, sending it careening back into the wall. 

 

“What could you possibly want to talk about? About what happened today? You know exactly what that was because  _ I _ know exactly what that was.”

 

“Maybe they weren’t talking about you, you don’t know, we couldn’t hear -” 

 

“I know what they were fecking saying! ‘Look at the crazy guy, talking to himself. Wow take a look at that poor fecker, too fecking messed up to get an actual friend!’ That’s what they were saying; that’s what they all say when they hear me.”

 

“Look Kevin, it doesn’t matter what others think. We can just go out less. It can be like it always has -” 

 

“I can’t do this anymore!” Kevin exploded out, yanking the door open with tears forming at the corners of his eyes. “I can’t...I really can’t. I can’t take the stares, the strange looks, the fucking whispering! It’s too much. I know I’m fucked up, I know it, I just can’t feeling like the screw up I am every time I walk out of this damn house!” He raked his hands through his hair, walking past her to the living room and fell over roughly onto the couch. “You don’t...you don’t understand. You could never understand. I don’t even know why I’m still fucking talking to you when you aren’t even real!”

 

His friend stood next to him, not next to him, not even there, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder but stopping before making contact. “Kevin, I -”

 

“No! Don’t fucking say anything. I don’t...why am I like this? I make up stuff that I would do with another person and I actually, I actually  _ act  _ it out like some crazy person. I had a  _ tickle fight  _ with the  _ air  _ this morning. It felt so real...I almost, I almost forgot it  _ wasn’t _ . What kind sane person does that?! And I’m  _ still _ talking out loud to my  _ imaginary friend _ right now!” He looked up at her, the girl that didn’t exist, the girl that wasn’t actually there with him, with sobs rising up in his throat. “How can you stand there, looking  _ so real _ but not actually be here?”

 

“Kevin, you were always alone. You needed someone, someone to talk to and someone to hang out with. That’s why I’m here. I  _ care  _ about you. Just because other people can’t see me doesn’t mean I’m not -”

 

“Don’t you say that.  _ Don’t  _ you say that you could be real. Jesus, why am I still talking to you? I’m talking to myself. Right now, right at this moment, every word I’m saying is just to myself! What is wrong with me?” He looked everywhere but in her direction, the direction of empty air and comfort; the lie and safe space only he could see. 

 

“Please don’t shut me out. I’m here for you. I’m here,” she promised him, crying herself. “Please look at me.”

 

“No you aren’t, no you aren’t. You aren’t because I think in my head what I want you to do, what I think you’d think, what I think you’d say. Just what I  _ want  _ from another person. I talk to myself all day, for my job and for free time. What kind of fucked up life am I living?” A few more desperate attempts were made by her to get his attention, pleading with him and repeating that she was here, but he didn’t look over, curled on the couch and head pressed to the cushions, hands clutching his own shoulders.

 

Kevin’s shoulder shook and his breath was labored and strained as he gasped out more words, speaking the truth of what he had desperately been trying to hide from himself. Tears streamed down his face and blurred his vision, so he squeezed his eyes shut tightly. There was no one to see anyways. “It hurts  _ so much _ . I’m just so fucking- I’m so fucking alone. I’m so _ lonely _ .” His voice broke on the last word, and the desperate cries he was trying to keep at bay welled up and he couldn’t hold them back any longer, rising up and tearing out of his throat. “I’m so alone.”

 

And in the shadows of his darkened house, cold and empty, Kevin sobbed into his couch. Alone. 

 

* * *

 

Hours later, eyes swollen, Kevin turned around to face the thin air. “Hey.”

 

“Hey, Kevin, wanna watch a movie together?” the girl asked.

 

“Yeah I’d...I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really depressing right? i hope so, trying to work on emotional writing :) you're welcome. the end.

**Author's Note:**

> yes? no? what'd you think? questions comments concerns? i love you for reading.


End file.
